Dear Livejournal [part 2]

I guess with this medium, there is always the temptation to, or the fear of, "the overshare". (It's funny, as an aside, the way internet memes or phrases keep the infinitive as part of the description of the action, so when one fails in some embarrassing way it's "epic fail" or if you injects too much of your personal life into your blog, you're guilty NOT of over sharing, but "the overshare". I think the structure of these memes may reflect the insularity of language, how language can be used in an insular way, or the way certain language can be appropriated by a clique, & used as a weapon against those in an out-group ... but that's not what I want to talk about, necessarily, though it is an interesting topic.) I'm ambivalent about this because I'm unclear where the line is, or should be, drawn between that which is about me that is allowed to be public, & that which should remain private. Also, isn't it kind of presumptuous to think that people care that much about me (I mean, strangers who come across this blog - not my friends, family, etc.) that they may be offended by the depth of information I may share ... like I have that many readers, anyway ...

That is my pseudo-passive-aggressive disclaimer that the direction I feel this blog may be going is more personal, in a way, though I will try to be cognizant of "the overshare". I guess maybe because I view my discussion of happiness, or love, or whatever, as prescriptions, sort of, makes this exercise slightly more academic, & maybe makes it, also, slightly less self-indulgent. I will say, though, that our happiness should be of the utmost importance to each of us, & we shouldn't apologize for trying to realize that ...

For the past couple of weeks I've been thinking a lot about maturity - like what it is to be a mature person, you know, a man - & what you have to give up to be an adult, & live in the adult world. Actually, what I've been thinking is slightly more specific than that, but hard to articulate. Mostly its centered around the fact that we often don't deal with many of the issues that form the residue of our lives, that sticky mess left over from our childhoods, & our teenage years, which can keep us from realizing the full potential of happiness, fraternity & love in our lives. I tend to think about this a lot because of my age, & the fact that I exist in the silly chasm of, as my sister calls it, "the mid-20s ennui" - it's like being told you're too young to have any good thoughts about, well, anything, but being too old to fall back on teenage apathy or the notion that "I'm still working on it" ... I came across an old blog post from more than 5 years ago, & found a lot of what I'm feeling in that entry:

[No title]:
[28 May 200314:49pm]

i know people move all the time and usually its no big deal but it is hard not to be reminded of so many memories, both good and bad. i feel like when i leave this place many of the ghosts that ive been wrestling with will disappear. ive learned to live with the regrets and the pain that developed while i resided here; i think we became a part of eachother. i think of that pain as something a part from me, but nevertheless linked to my being. i can already feel it slipping away. i can already feel myself missing it. ive already run out of words with which to discuss it. it. its difficult to conceptualize the part place plays in our emotional processes. when i go home i confront a similar pain, frustration, a wholly different sensation. dont get me wrong, i love my home. i love new haven. i love my family. but there are associations i make with my bedroom, the big wooden bed, my living room couch that i cant escape. i think at this age we are all trying to let go of things we consider adolescent, things we consider painful parts of the last phase of our childhood. or things left over from our actualy childhood. we feel this incredible and terrible push to try and become something different, something completely new. i dont know what to do with that experience, my experience. i dont know how to react to that societal pressure that cultural pressure to become a man, the pressure from my experiences telling me to transcend my boyishness and my tendencies to cling to every hurtful word someone has said to me, every literal or imagined attack on my still developing character, every time i have blamed and everytime i feel someone has let me down. i have a great deal of anger. i never knew it as anger before; this is a recent development. this anger is underdeveloped and as such i dont know who it is directed at, nor do know who it is "caused" by. honestly, i am not trying to blame anyone for this anger...i dont even know if anger is really caused by anyone. maybe by leaving this place the anger i feel might find a direction, a means towards ending it. i used to judge angry people, think they were juvenile, weak, unconstructive, uninspired, scary, unhealthy...God, i was so wrong.

Above, I seemed to be linking adulthood with letting go of hurt, or not being affected by hurtful behavior. I don't know that this argument, or synthesis, is precisely correct - or even realistic - but I think I was starting to sense something ... I'm mostly struck with the idea that we sometimes push ourselves into adulthood prematurely by virtue of how we feel as children & teenagers: powerless - like, I thought being an adult would mean empowerment, & an end to all that ambiguity, misunderstanding & hurt. But I'm starting to realize that if you push your way into adulthood without learning how to process all that, those bitter feelings will remain, maybe even magnify. My feeling is a lot of adults are in therapy for precisely that reason.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll have more on this in the coming weeks.